I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
