I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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