Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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