My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
