my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
