I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
