i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
