We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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