Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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