Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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