I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
