Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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