They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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