Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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