We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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