Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
