She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
