You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
tell me about the eggs
Randomize