Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
