My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize