Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
