New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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