Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Randomize
