I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
