We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
