Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
