Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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