i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Reggie can tackle my bush.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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