Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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