I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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