Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
