I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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