I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
