no, he came in my armpit
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
