I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
