i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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