took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
