At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize