How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
