the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize