You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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