You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
