The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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