Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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