I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
