I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
