I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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