The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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