I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
