textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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