Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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