its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
