Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
