I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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